The topic of our Mother’s Circle last night was ‘generosity.’  Five of us sat in a circle around our altar.  We smudged with sage, a ritual we have grown to love.  As we sipped decaf chai, we passed our talking stick around our circle.  One by one, we took as much time as we wanted and needed to share what was up in our lives.  All of us, in our own way, wove in the suggested ‘thread’ of generosity.  What does it mean to be generous?  Do we feel generous?  How?

A few days earlier I called one of the moms in the circle, asking for support.  I was feeling like such a bad mother, maybe you know the feeling…  I felt that one of my adult children was lost, not feeling powerful, maybe low self-esteem and, oh God, it was all my fault.  Actually, the truth is that I was feeling scared, and I was thinking that I had screwed up…that I had failed at the job that was the most important thing to me in my entire life-mothering.  I was in a deep hole of caca.  It felt like quicksand and I couldn’t find the ground under me.

My friend loves Pema Chodren’s work-that’s why I called her.  I knew she wouldn’t try to fix me, to make my sad feelings go away.  She met me at the park and listened while I cried sharing my deep despair.  I felt safe as she sat close to me, looking into my eyes and nodding her head.  “I know how you feel” she told me.  She shared her soothing presence. “I have felt this too.  We all feel responsible for our children.  Everyone single one of us feels pain.  I don’t have any answers for you.  I know that you are brilliant, you are such a bright light in my life and I think you are an awesome mother.  But I also believe that you have made mistakes, you have done things you regret, you are not a perfect mother because you are not a perfect human being.  Can you love all of this, all of you-both the good and the bad?  I love all of you.”

I left the park feeling a sense of ease.  I was not all bad…or all good.  Sure, there are places I could have been a better mother but I did the best I could.  The past is over.  Here is where I am.  I want to be here for myself.  I am here for myself.  Nothing changed on the outside, but on the inside, I felt saner.  My friend, my ally, my sister helped me regain my center.

I shared my story with the circle: how my friend’s generous spirit uplifted me.  Sure, she met me at the park and gave me an hour of her time.  But what she really gave me was her generous, wise presence.  I feel so blessed.  Its so beyond words…it was one of the most generous acts I have ever experienced.  To feel such pain and be so generously held…like being in your mama’s lap.  Though I can’t call my mother for soothing, I have my generous friend.

As each woman took her turn sharing her life’s story, the energy in the room felt more and more spacious, clear, clean and well, holy.  We hold each other in such high regard, we are so generous with our time, attention, love, and belief in each other.  We are mirrors for each other.  Mirrors of possibility.  Agents of change, one hour at a time.  This circle is a strong, learning ground for all of us.  A special place where we are learning how to be generous with ourselves-how to give ourselves the love, belief and recognition that we give to our children.

Our circle ended with us talking about how we could, as a group, be generous to others.  We could go out to eat and pay for another table’s bill.  We could meet with 20 one dollar bills and find many ways to spend it.  We could clean someone’s house together…the ideas were fun.  In the end, we spontaneously decided to do create a new story-a generous story about ourselves.  We would practice Random Acts of Generosity throughout our days.  Have fun, no competition, easily allow generosity to be a thread that is woven into our days and share what unfolded at our next circle.  I left the circle with a full heart.

As is my ritual, every year on the day of my children’s birthday, I sit quietly for a few moments and remember the day they were born. The details aren’t as fresh as they used to be. My oldest just turned 29, but there are memories that I hold in my heart and in my body. Memories that I cherish, feelings that I can still find, my blessings of motherhood. I am also now a grandmother, so I have another day added to this ritual; two years ago, I was present at my grandbaby Marcus’ birth.

That day, the phone rang with my son Sky, telling me that they were at the hospital. “Please hurry.” I could feel the both the urgency and the excitement in his voice. The drive from Santa Fe to Albuquerque is a solid hour’s drive. I believed there was plenty of time but, nonetheless, I was in the car within five minutes. I drove a tad fast, (okay, I sped!) and was greeted by a filled waiting room; my daughter-in-law’s family were all waiting to celebrate this baby. They pointed me to the birthing room where I found my son and daughter-in-law in the throws of Marcus’ coming.

Sky’s face lit up when he saw me. “I’m sooo glad you are here” he declared. as he hugged me tight.  When he looked into my eyes, he exhaled deeply and I could feel his anxiety softening. The tenseness he was experiencing began to melt-it was palpable-to me, anyhow.  My son felt more comfortable than before I arrived-just because I was present. I, his mama, was his softest place on the planet-his unconditional loving support. It didn’t matter that he was becoming a dad, he still needed my presence and attention.

The birth was amazing and welcoming our grandson was quite an event. But today as I was remembering this blessed day, I was replaying the few moments between Sky and I over and over again. What was it that I was re-connecting with?…

Our children grow inside us, we are their safe sanctuary for their entrance from the spirit world into the physical. We grow them, we are literally attached together by the umbilical cord. Our heartbeat comforts our children. This is not new information-we all know this. But we can oftentimes overlook that special, invisible cord that attaches mothers to their children.  This bond never, ever leaves; it’s the bond of unconditional love. Plain and simple. Love. It didn’t matter one iota that my son is a young adult and his partner is now the most significant woman in his life. It didn’t matter that he was becoming a dad. I am still his mother. I have a special and unique relationship with him. No matter what happens, I will always be a soft place for him. I am this place because as his mother, I am here for him, no matter what. I love him unconditionally. My presence in his life is to be a guiding light. It doesn’t matter that I make mistakes, that I can be bossy, that we disagree… or any of my human doings. He will always have my love and presence in his life, no matter what. Though a mother’s love is invisible, it is the most amazing healing medicine on the face of the earth.  Happy Birthday Marcus and Happy Daddy Day Sky!

I have the profound blessing and privilege of sitting in circles with mothers. This ‘circle sitting’ all began when I invited a handful of mothers to my home to explore circling and if it could be a valuable tool for us. Initially, I was the facilitator, though now the facilitation rotates. Six of us have met every other week for five years now and our Circle of Mothers has become a place of refuge for us all. Though we know each woman’s history, personal stories, struggles and challenges…our primary focus and intent is to be authentic with each other as we uplift, inspire, encourage and celebrate the divinity within each of us. Our circle has become the safest, most loving place in our lives. We laugh as we think to the future, knowing we will meet when our bones are tired and our breasts hang down to our knees (except for a few of us less-endowed women!)

We gathered together for an overnight retreat. Our agenda was to explore our ’shadow side.’ We weren’t totally sure how this would unfold, but there was a lot up in our lives and gosh, just look at the world. We just knew we would learn something that would support us in being more fully present-with our partners and our children-and ultimately with ourselves.

We arrived at Kristen’s empty (because its ‘for sale’) house with wood for the woodstove, food for pizza-making, breakfast goodies, bottles of wine, (Jacqueline brought enough to bathe in!) pink champagne glasses, sleeping bags, pillows and pads. We stacked bags of clothes for our clothing swap (how women love clothes, huh?!). Backjacks formed a circle around our altar. Our personal sacred items were placed on our altar where we would later do our inner work.

Toasting to ourselves and each other, working like a well-oiled clock, we used Maria’s homemade dough and fresh basil to make delicious pizzas. Stripping to our undies (and less), we tried on each other’s clothes and and easily filled our closets back up. Linda loves my clothes, I love hers…we laughed and had as much fun as if we were on a shopping spree. We ate chocolate, updated each other on our lives, drank more wine, laughed and reveled in each other-our true soul sisters.

With full bellies, new clothes and a slight wine buzz, we finally settled around our altar. We weren’t sure what would unfold. We felt nervous, curious and excited to do this ‘work’ together. We held hands, opened our hearts and created our sacred circle. We smudged with sage and feathers to clear our energies and ground in the moment. It was late but we didn’t care…we had all night. A mother’s spiritual pajama party…

We all brought a willingness to jump into what we were calling our dark side-the part of us that we don’t want others to see-the part of us that we wish wasn’t there-the part of us that we don’t easily embrace. Jackie brought a simple process that we decided to explore, it seemed almost too simple but ended up being simply profound.

“Think of a person you respect and admire” she guided “and write ten things you love about them. Don’t think too much, just write whatever comes into your mind.” We scribbled. Easy, squeezy…its simple to look for love. “Okay, now” guided Jackie, “think of someone you really don’t like…someone who pushes your buttons. Write ten things that you don’t like about that person.” With permission to look for the negative, we dove in, pens scratching. Truly, none of us struggled with this part either After all, it wasn’t us we were dissing…

Pens down, eyes up, hearts open…it was time for the next segment. We went around our circle, one mama at a time and shared three positive things we loved about someone and three negative things we didn’t like and….gulp! claimed them as our own. These traits, both the positive and the negative, were our very own projections. We saw them in others because they lived in us: Positivity, beauty, love, kindness, wisdom, optimism, patience, safety…ummmm….Negativity, harshness, judgment, anger, impatience, criticalness, self-centeredness….uhhhh…..We talked to integrate this learning and because, well, we women love to talk! We had insights and revelations about ourselves and each other. Yes, we discovered, all of everyone’s traits-both the negative and the positive-lived in all of us. We are all one.

We did a visualization where we went to our inner closet and pulled a box forward. This box was filled with our shadow stuff-the stuff that we usually push away. We put the box in the light, we tied it with a ribbon, we embraced it as a gift as we gave thanks for its presence in our lives. I put my box into the light of my heart. We are all connected. We mothers know that. Our children lived in us. Separation is an illusion. We are learning to treat ourselves as gently as we treat our children. We are learning to be with the part of us that judges, that is grumpy…we are learning to be our authentic selves.

My deepest gratitude to my sisters Jacqueline, Jackie, Kristen, Maria and Linda. Our circle is a symbol of our love. Our collective love is a soothing, healing balm of sisterhood. Our children will grow up and move into their own homes (mine have already) and I just know that we will continue to be a strong presence in each other’s lives. Mamaste…

Any woman who has been pregnant knows what kegels are! For those of you who need a refresher, kegels are exercises for the muscles of the pelvic floor which help pregnant women prepare for the later stages of pregnancy and childbirth. Kegels are done to basically strengthen all those muscles down there! Most mothers have done hundreds, if not thousands of kegels…in the car, in the tub, as we sit, as we walk, we were told…the more, the merrier! But, please allow me to back up a few thoughts…

I practice earth-based spirituality and my daily practice is to begin my day with a morning meditation. As a teen, I was first exposed to meditation by the Beatles. I thought if the Beatles could benefit from meditation, so could I. In my 20’s, I lived in an ashram and have experimented with silence, inner contemplation and breathwork since those early days. I have sat on the floor in front of my altar while pregnant and while nursing, have rocked my babies with my eyes closed as I followed my breath, have lit candles with my children as we sat quietly for as long as they could-usually only a few minutes (which was good, cuz that’s all the time I had then.)

For me, beginning my day with a few moments of silence has deep benefits. It grounds me into my inner presence before I jump into all the outer doings that call for my attention. I believe I am a spiritual being in a physical body and meditation is a way for me to strengthen the spiritual part of me.

Today, I began my inner meditation time with a visualization/intention of connecting to the earth: I concentrated on my first chakra-the place at the base of my spine-the seat of our worth and belonging - and imagined and sensed that I had tree-like roots going down deep into the earth. I then perceived the earth’s strong energy coming back into me through one of the most powerful areas of my body-my vagina. I like this practice because it I feel deeply held, very safe and connected to my earthly Mother. I feel that this practice is a way of honoring the feminine force in her and also in me.

This morning, I wanted to feel a deeper connection so I worked and played with using my breath and with kegels. I’m not sure why I never thought of this before.

As I sat, I started doing kegels to focus my attention down there-on my first chakra. With each contraction of my pelvic muscles, I could feel my energy more focused on that area of my body. Duh! Of course, if I am doing kegels, my attention would be more focused down there! That’s what I was looking for…a deep, focused connection at the base of my spine. As I contracted my pelvic muscles, I visualized pulling the earth’s energy into me. I then relaxed those muscles and felt that I had roots that were going down deep into the earth. Contraction. Relaxation. Pulling the earth into me. Letting go and rooting into her.

I did it again. And again. And again.

Then I stopped the kegels and focused on my breathing: I did a deep inhalation through my nose and a deep exhalation through my mouth. Circular breaths. Inhaling through my nose, exhaling through my mouth. (I teach this breath to my preschoolers as a way to relax and release…)

Then I put the kegels and the breath together: As I inhaled through my nose, I contracted the muscles around my vagina and visualized the tremendously powerful energy of the earth coming into my vagina. As I exhaled through my mouth, I released the muscles’ contractions and also intentionally let go of any tension, worry and stress into my tree-like roots which were more and more easily finding their way into the earth. I followed this, in and out, contract and release kegel/earth meditation for about 5 minutes. Then I sat in the energy that I generated. The strength that I pulled up through my vagina had expanded all the way up into my heart. It felt really good. I felt connected and present. And happy.

I ended my morning meditation by pulling my ‘roots’ back into my body. I thanked the earth for the million ways she supports me and all of humanity. Thanking the sun for this new day, I blew out my candle.

As the children in my playschool arrived for their day, I greeted them with a feeling of grounded presence. I felt grateful for all the ways the feminine manifests in my life.

It was morning at my playschool program. Six of us were playing Duck, Duck, Goose when Brisa, a sweet four year old, suddenly burst into tears. One of her friends did some ‘tickly-thing’ to her. She didn’t like it so she started crying…a normal preschool reaction. I asked Brisa if I could hold her while she was sad and she climbed into my lap. Her friends stayed close and we all comforted her. A few minutes later, she was happy again and ready to rock and roll.

As I watched the children play, I thought about the value of my lap and of all the other laps in the world. Though often taken for granted, I began thinking that a mother’s lap is one of the most sacred, nourishing, nurturing and totally yummy places on the planet!

Think about it…For a child to sit on our lap, we must stop and sit down. In this fast-paced world, just stopping and sitting, in itself, is a blessing. The simple act of offering our lap to a child is offering our time and attention-both much-needed and revered commodities in a busy day. A lap is a sweet, yet vulnerable place, both for the sitter and the sittee. As we sit together, our arms hold and our heart centers touch-healing happens without any conscious thought or effort.

What if the L in LAP stood for LOVE? Isn’t a lap one of the most loving places on earth? It’s difficult being a child sometimes…it’s difficult being an adult sometimes. I found that as I comforted Brisa, I felt comforted. Though nothing was wrong with me, just nurturing her was nurturing in itself. Could it be that my lap was a place of love for this young one? I loved Brisa enough to let her sit ON me, not just WITH me. I gave her the gift of my comfort and support…a place to heal…an palpable space of lovingkindness.

How about the letting the A in LAP represent ACCEPTANCE and APPRECIATION? I accepted Brisa unconditionally. She was a child who needed my help and the best thing I could do for her was to accept her and her pain-no matter what it looked like. I rocked her, stroked her, accepted her…wails and all. I held her and her storm passed. I appreciated that my lap was a soft place for her to rest both her little butt and her little heart.

We are so outer focused. We want our children to be ready for preschool, ready for kindergarten…we want them to be the smartest, the fastest, the prettiest, the strongest. A lap is a place where a child doesn’t have to strive to be anything other than herself and often, a vulnerable her (or him!) at that. A lap is a precious valley where we can appreciate our child as we anchor and ground in who she is, no matter what she is experiencing.

Maybe the P in LAP could stand for PRESENCE. Our culture is so beyond busy, it’s insane. Crazy-busy is not the way of the child. Hey! We are human beings, not human doings! Children are present tense creatures. They are not lugging around the past or banking on the future. They don’t have a to-do list. They are in the now with whatever is happening…no judge, no jury. (Ah…the good ole days…) Our laps are places for children to simply BE.

I offered Brisa a soft place for her to be with her tears. She offered me a gift in return…a soft place to BE present as the nurturer that I am.

I’ve submitted this post to the Carnival of Presence on API Speaks.

I was preparing for our Mother’s Medicine Circle on self-nurturance and went to Webster’s dictionary to learn his definition of nurture. Smiling, I read…’to promote development by providing nourishment, support and encouragement during stages of growth’. Surprisingly, (or maybe not) a synonym for nurture is to nurse…’to treat or handle with care in order to further one’s own interests…to clasp or handle carefully or fondly’…all these definitions encompasses a mother’s daily life as nurturer.

How do we show up as conscious presence in our children’s life? The ways are endless but an essential one is to self-nurture. As we passed our talking stick around our circle and each woman shared what self-nurturance was to her, we noticed a thread of guilt uncovered for taking time for ourselves. Many women had been taught that self-sacrafice was the ‘better’ way to be. Yet as we continued our time together, it was unanimous that sitting together just talking about self-nurturance, itself, was nurturing.

Mama’s lives are so full-our days are jam-packed with the managing of a household and the nurturing of our families. But it’s hard to give when our cup is getting low. And we don’t often have an hour to go for a walk or take a yoga class or even sit in a bath.

I teach preschool and our morning circle time begins with a self-hug. A moment to ground in being in our bodies, a minute to soothe, comfort and stabilize our energies. (an additional benefit is that crossing your arms, crosses the midline and strengthens brain development!) The children always smile as I remind them to love themselves. Donna Eden, an energy worker teaches a technique similar to this. I’ve incorporated it into my day, including taking a few nice deep breaths and feeling gratitude for my life. A nice way to give myself conscious presence. Try it, it’s easy and sweet…give yourself a great big hug!

I passed around essential oils and we talked about ideas for self-nurturing for 5 minutes here and there. A few drops of lavender, rose or orange oil rubbed on our hands provided instant yummy sighs. Rub your ears, your hands, your feet. Let the smells soothe you…your touch anchor you…it will only take a few minutes and provides instant nurturance.

Who doesn’t like chocolate? We decided it is one of the four main food groups! I once heard Deepak Chopra say that eating should be a sensual experience. We laughed as we remembered Meg Ryan in ‘When Harry Met Sally’ and her memorable orgasm in the restaurant. We broke off pieces of chocolate and I encouraged each mama to make the chocolate last as long as she could…feel its deep yummy taste. Milk every moment of chocolate, of any act of self-nurturance for all its worth. Be in the present moment, be it with a hug, an ear massage or a piece of chocolate. You may only have a minute. Take it for all the gusto you can get!

I poured water and rose hydrosol into pink plastic champagne glasses and we ended our time together toasting to self-nurturance. My intention was that each mama would use this silly plastic champagne glass…to drink water…maybe a splash of wine…put it on her altar…that it would be a symbol-a reminder to consciously nurture herself so that she could more easily nurture her family.

We can’t control the length of our life, but we can control the depth and the width of it. Its important that we learn quick and easy ways to nurture ourselves throughout our days so we more easily give our children the gift of our conscious presence. Mamaste!