The topic of our Mother’s Circle last night was ‘generosity.’  Five of us sat in a circle around our altar.  We smudged with sage, a ritual we have grown to love.  As we sipped decaf chai, we passed our talking stick around our circle.  One by one, we took as much time as we wanted and needed to share what was up in our lives.  All of us, in our own way, wove in the suggested ‘thread’ of generosity.  What does it mean to be generous?  Do we feel generous?  How?

A few days earlier I called one of the moms in the circle, asking for support.  I was feeling like such a bad mother, maybe you know the feeling…  I felt that one of my adult children was lost, not feeling powerful, maybe low self-esteem and, oh God, it was all my fault.  Actually, the truth is that I was feeling scared, and I was thinking that I had screwed up…that I had failed at the job that was the most important thing to me in my entire life-mothering.  I was in a deep hole of caca.  It felt like quicksand and I couldn’t find the ground under me.

My friend loves Pema Chodren’s work-that’s why I called her.  I knew she wouldn’t try to fix me, to make my sad feelings go away.  She met me at the park and listened while I cried sharing my deep despair.  I felt safe as she sat close to me, looking into my eyes and nodding her head.  “I know how you feel” she told me.  She shared her soothing presence. “I have felt this too.  We all feel responsible for our children.  Everyone single one of us feels pain.  I don’t have any answers for you.  I know that you are brilliant, you are such a bright light in my life and I think you are an awesome mother.  But I also believe that you have made mistakes, you have done things you regret, you are not a perfect mother because you are not a perfect human being.  Can you love all of this, all of you-both the good and the bad?  I love all of you.”

I left the park feeling a sense of ease.  I was not all bad…or all good.  Sure, there are places I could have been a better mother but I did the best I could.  The past is over.  Here is where I am.  I want to be here for myself.  I am here for myself.  Nothing changed on the outside, but on the inside, I felt saner.  My friend, my ally, my sister helped me regain my center.

I shared my story with the circle: how my friend’s generous spirit uplifted me.  Sure, she met me at the park and gave me an hour of her time.  But what she really gave me was her generous, wise presence.  I feel so blessed.  Its so beyond words…it was one of the most generous acts I have ever experienced.  To feel such pain and be so generously held…like being in your mama’s lap.  Though I can’t call my mother for soothing, I have my generous friend.

As each woman took her turn sharing her life’s story, the energy in the room felt more and more spacious, clear, clean and well, holy.  We hold each other in such high regard, we are so generous with our time, attention, love, and belief in each other.  We are mirrors for each other.  Mirrors of possibility.  Agents of change, one hour at a time.  This circle is a strong, learning ground for all of us.  A special place where we are learning how to be generous with ourselves-how to give ourselves the love, belief and recognition that we give to our children.

Our circle ended with us talking about how we could, as a group, be generous to others.  We could go out to eat and pay for another table’s bill.  We could meet with 20 one dollar bills and find many ways to spend it.  We could clean someone’s house together…the ideas were fun.  In the end, we spontaneously decided to do create a new story-a generous story about ourselves.  We would practice Random Acts of Generosity throughout our days.  Have fun, no competition, easily allow generosity to be a thread that is woven into our days and share what unfolded at our next circle.  I left the circle with a full heart.